It’s essential that we learn to communicate about our needs and desires and elicit this from a partner, especially when what brings us pleasure is changing with the years.
Negotiating Better Sex
Sometimes sex is a negotiation, especially with a new partner. What do you like? What do you need to reach orgasm? What is uncomfortable for you physically or emotionally? What is absolutely off-limits? What are you nervous about trying, but maybe you’d be willing?
“Straight people should take from gay people these four magic words: “What are you into?” That question, when two guys are going to have sex, is always asked. When it’s a man and a woman, all too often, consent is granted and then all communication ceases. What’s happening next is assumed: if it’s heterosexual sex, it’s penis in vagina.
“We don’t have that default assumption in gay land. When two guys say yes to sex, it’s the beginning of a whole other conversation. Everything has to be discussed and negotiated. Asking “What are you into?” is so empowering, because at that moment, you can rule anything in and anything out. It’s a sexy negotiation. Straight people sometimes say to me, I wish I could have more sex. I say, ‘You could, if you had a broader definition of sex.’”
If you can ask for what you want, you’re more likely to get it than if you keep wishing that your partner could read your mind. Likewise, if you don’t ask or encourage your partner to share what feels good, you’ll rely on what used to work, without ever discovering how sensations and erogenous zones might have changed.
- “I’d love it if you’d touch me this way.”
- “Could we try…?”
- “What would you like?”
- “Show me what feels good to you.”
- “Show me how you pleasure yourself.”
If You’re Starting a New Relationship
If you and your partner are new to each other, you’ll have additional considerations. How and when will you bring up your sexual needs and limitations?